What I have learnt from co-parenting!
My co-parenting relationship with my daughters father has been a roller coaster. (Maybe like the Flamingo lands famous cliff hanger, where my heart is usually found falling out of my arse, due to the serious levels of anxiety caused by it.) Infact I frequently describe co-parenting as a ‘constant kick in the teeth!’ I know it’s the root cause of most of my mental health difficulties, and I am aware that from an outsiders point of view, I handle what is thrown at me with great difficulty. Even trying to find the words to put together this blog is proving difficult, and I have barely focused my mind on the topic. My natural reaction is to bury my head in the sand and hope that I am left alone, but that will never happen as we had a child at the crazy age of eighteen!
It was never always like this, we used to get on OK however, looking back I know it was all a control trip. As just like when we were together, his manipulation and lies convinced me that I ‘needed‘ him and would be nothing without his ‘presence and money’ to keep my life together. He made me feel worthless, labelled me a ‘pyscho slut‘ because I struggled with my mental health, and never failed to make me feel like everyone deserved better than what I could do for them, including our little girl. I always felt scared to take back control, because I believed what he said was true. Then I met my husband to be, graduated a degree and began working full time, it was then I began to realise that none of those things were accurate.
When my romance blossomed and I started my own career, I had that glow that screamed happy and stable. I was independent, earning my own money, off benefits and for the first time I felt like I was absolutely bossing life and motherhood. But my ex would never be happy, instead it was during those significant times in my life that his dummy (and his bottle, and the rest), would be thrown out his pram, and thrown in my direction, exactly where it hurts. Unfortunately due to this inevitable response he always has, I still can’t enjoy exciting times in my life fully now. I always know a storm is coming, with a tornado consisting of a small angry man. My man hates this, and I completely understand! “Why is he still under my skin?”, “Why do I still have to prove myself?”, “Why am I still so scared of what he can do to me?” Truth is he still controls me, I’ve done my absolute best to discard what he can control me with however, we still share a child and that fact won’t change.
Despite our painful co-parenting journey, contact has always been granted. As were phone calls, untill they became more harm then good. And I know I have tried my best, because my Mini is my number one and I would never do any less. However, he has the ability to make me second doubt myself (and third, fourth fifth doubt!) He makes me doubt every decision I have ever made, and question if I really am the “daughter hog” and “hurtful mother” he tells me I am. If he can even convince me I didn’t do right by our daughter, he will convince a mediator, a judge, the social services right? And thats why, he still gets under my skin. It’s pathetic, but my daughter is my weakness and I couldn’t be brave and fight anymore. I ended up being signed off sick from work with severe depression and anxiety and in turn, having to change my job to a less pressured role within the police.
A few weeks ago I noticed my daughter feeling torn between us. Our seven year old daughter should never have to carry this baggage of worries and guilt on her shoulders. I reached out to professionals and her school about my concerns however, as she wasn’t suffering physical harm, just emotional abuse, no one seemed to care. (In my eyes, there is no difference and my heart was breaking for her.)
I knew I would never get through to him, or expect him to understand. (Yes, after 10 years of knowing him the penny dropped!) So I decided to try extra hard for my mini me, and once again be the bigger person. So I’ve thrown some ideas his way, that really could be the start of us becoming the next Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian. As expected, nothing is good enough for that man. What does he even want from me?! So, I am eagerly expecting a letter inviting me to court any day. My brain cannot understand why the hell this is still ongoing, five years later?!
Unfortunately my natural reaction will not suffice this time. I cannot bury my head in the ground and hope it goes away, I can’t even cry in my en-suite till it’s over. I have to be brave. I have to trust in my decisions and take a big breathe. When it feels like I am being strangled, I need to rip that grip away and speak up for myself, because I am not myself when she’s not by my side. ❤
So, how to co-parent; 1.Don’t let anyone make you doubt yourself 2. Be brave 3.Be baddass, take control 4.Don’t be a B and bury that head, because it sinks and gets harder.
As a fellow colleague of mine would say, –watch this space Wish me luck 🤞
The Overthinking Mama 